Polyamory. That kind of relationship that I've been told looks good on paper, but never actually works. That kind of relationship that, by adding at least one other person to the mix, is fraught with one other person's emotions, one other person's insecurities, one other person's fears and desires and needs and wants. That kind of relationship that when looking at those who have managed to keep it going for years makes me think "This I can do. I know that I feel this way, I know that I don't have an issue loving two or more people at the same time, so if I've got that down, I can manage the actual relationship dynamic". That kind of relationship that makes me feel all fuzzy on the inside when thinking about all the love I can give to more than one person and all of the new things I'd be learning and experiencing. That kind of relationship that people usually respond, shocked, "But don't you ever get jealous? I mean, I could never see myself doing that. It's so much work. I don't think I could deal with two people's issues."

That, my dears, is what kind of relationship I've gotten myself into. Several months ago, I wrote a post titled "My Love Life" in which I stated that I would probably not be looking for any kind of romantic relationship anytime soon because I was quite satisfied with my various friends with benefits and future casual sex encounters.

Well, those days are over...for now. I won't go into the mushy details of what happened and how I changed my mind. Let it suffice to say that a gorgeous boy and a beautiful girl made me think differently. So, how did this happen and what are my thoughts on the whole thing now that I'm not just an observer proudly stating "I am polyamorous", and instead actually am in it? First of all, I'd like to note that this arrangement has not been going on for long--about two months, more or less. There will probably be future posts of this kind in which I track the aspects and qualities of this style of relationship that I find interesting and worthy of mention.

I would like to begin with saying the obvious statement: It's a lot more work than monogamy. Well, it depends on the relationship(s) you're in, but generally, it's a lot more work. Obviously. There's one (or several) more to account for. One should also take into account the fact that people have different desires and needs, so you're not hitting repeat on every relationship you enter.Satisfying your own desires and needs is difficult enough, but trying to do so with one or more other people? Even more difficult. But the idea is if you think you are able to do these things, you allow yourself to get into a relationship (even though there are many who get into one even though they don't know what they themselves want and need and figure they'll decide along the way) and you make it work until it doesn't or can't work anymore.

But there is a difference between knowing and actually knowing. In most cases, personal experience provides the latter kind of knowledge. So, when I decided that I was polyamorous at the age of fifteen and read countless articles about it and open marriage and all the different types of open relationships we may have with each other, I thought I knew what was going on. Until now, I had never actually been in that kind of situation, but I figured that since I understood it, it would be relatively easy to get through once I got to that stage. Jumping into a relationship with two other people after being single for a year that came after a period of two in which the relationship required minimal serious work is not my idea of relatively easy. You come up against these things like insecurities, fears, needs, desires, time management, romance, vulnerability, intimacy-- all of the things that are present in any relationship, but amplified by the additional person. But that's what's to be expected. And to that, you give dedication and attention and love and everything else you give to a monogamous relationship. Just twice over.

So you may be asking, "What's the point, if it's so much work?" Well, what's the point in any kind of relationship that actually requires work? It depends on how much and what kind of work it is, but if you decide in the end, that it's worth it, then all the so-called "work" will not be a lugubrious task that you have to deal with in order to not have someone else scream (or passively aggressively huff) at you, but will be work in the sense of actually dealing with issues and discussing them, and actually going through them with someone, or several, by your side to help to reach higher and brighter heights. And for me, that kind of work is just as beautiful and just as valuable as those mushy moments that I promised I wouldn't write about here.

The other thing is time management. And I think this is the issue that popped out at me in ten-feet tall neon letters first. Again, instead of just one partner, there's two. And so there develop seven times instead of just the usual four (alone time, time with them alone, time with them and with other people, and time with other people but not them)--alone time, time with one partner, time with the other partner, time with both partners, time with one partner in a social setting but not the other partner (counts as two), and time without them. That's a lot of time management skill right there. Not to mention that one has other duties in life other than a relationship. And me, being the procrastinator that I am, had (and still has) to figure out how to do that magical thing that we all strive to get at...balance. And I'm slowly getting better at it, I think, as I straighten my priorities out and learn what is more important in the moment and in the future.

Finally, I realized at the very beginning how incredible it is to love two (or more) people at the same time. Because when it actually happens, you realize that you really don't love one more than the other, you just love them differently. And because you have the ability to love multiple people in different ways and because of different reasons, each person has a unique, special place in your life that can never truly be replaced by another person, whether they are a friend, a lover, something in between, or something else entirely. And the fact that the ones I care about I can love individually yet simultaneously and that I consciously decide to form intimate, hopefully long-lasting relationships with them that I am willing to work on and dedicate my time and attention to is why I say "I am polyamorous" and why, just like monogamy, these kinds of relationships can work.

my first magnetic poem.

choose life love or pleasure
kiss the flame
touch skin
give
her
to
me
but you
I
we
do not live
only my body would drag together
this discovery
of feeling full
with
you
here